This is the third and final post in a three part series on managing emotions. This post uncovers the roles emotions have on socialising and how we can harness our emotions to enhance our social skills. The first part of the series is a broad overview on managing emotions. The second part details how to leverage or alleviate different types of emotions depending on what’s desirable.
As mentioned throughout the series, emotions pervade all areas of our lives. So by extension, emotions influence our ability to socialise and the interpersonal skills we bring to communicating with others.
But to what extent are social skills emotions?
In actuality, social skills are essentially a 100% emotions.
This is obvious when we think about the times we’re around good company and feel the positive vibe in the air or in contrast, stressful situations where the tension around the room is palpable.
But it’s even true in scenarios that on the surface appear devoid of sentiment such as stating logical facts.
Even when our goal is to exchange raw information, emotions are involved. Whenever we communicate in person we’re engaging emotions — we can’t help but assess our interlocutor’s own emotional state and determine how we’re going to speak to them as a result. And when it comes to our own expression, we’re never robots, we’re still channelling a degree of emotions. Stating facts requires confidence (in the truth of what you’re saying) and since confidence is emotions measuring certainty, you’re still communicating with an underlying influence of emotions no matter how imperceptible.
A sensible person then looking to improve their social skills would learn to master their emotions to make them work for and not against them.
The hierarchical chain of communication
For most people, communicating face-to-face is something we do naturally, we don’t think about the different components involved. Yet interpersonal communication has many aspects we take for granted.
Think of the chain of communication as a hierarchy:
Thoughts -> Emotions -> Body Language -> Voice Tonality -> Words
As eusocial creatures, humans are programmed to be hyper-sensitive to other people’s emotions. Most people within a short radius of you will feel your emotions, many times without you even saying anything. We can develop a sense of how others feel in the same way we listen to what they’re saying.
What does this hierarchical chain of communication mean? It means that when socialising with others, instead of worrying about the exact words you say, focus on being in a positive emotional state and the body language, subcommunications, and words will follow.
Socialising is a dynamic activity, a back-and-forth narrative you weave with others, each story inimitable from all the others there have ever been and ever will be. As a result, there are near infinite combinations of ways a conversation could go for anyone to possibly have a verbal contingency plan for every interaction. Even if you did have a script, ask any actor or comedian and they’ll tell you it’s all in the delivery and delivery means embodying the right emotional state.
Of course there are inevitable verbal patterns we fall back on in some conversations. There are only so many ways we can paraphrase where we’re from or what we do that we’re bound to have repeated the same short sentences at times. But if we had any effect on others when giving those replies, it’s because we were confident (emotional state) in doing so. A line or story here and there can be effective but only if your social skills emotions carry it and authentic words true to yourself make that easier.
So the question becomes what is the best positive emotional state for effective and impactful communication and how do we reach it? This is where peak state comes in.
Peak state from social skills emotions
Peak state (also known as ‘Flow state’) is our highest positive emotional state. It’s a feeling of “being in the zone”, a simultaneous liberation from negative emotions of fear, doubt and worry coupled with a progressive enhancement in positive emotions. When you’re in peak state, you experience increased mental and physical agility gaining access to your most charismatic and creative potential with others.
From peak state the rest of the chain of communication follows. Your body will become relaxed and at ease, your eyes will have vibrancy and you’ll project your voice with more command. You’ll navigate conversations with a clear mind with words coming to you easily without restrictions on your self-expression.
It’s all well and good saying socialising is just a matter of getting into state but how do we do it? We all have experience of this state at moments in our lives yet it seems ephemeral.
But the good news is you can train yourself to hit peak state more than just leaving it to chance. Specific mental and physical processes cultivate it. Well managed social skills emotions lead to peak state, let’s look at how we develop them:
Rid yourself of negative emotions
Negative hang-ups will stifle your ability to get into peak state so it’s imperative you remove negative emotions you’re feeling first. If in doubt or overwhelmed, a default heuristic is to snap your focus back to the immediate here and now such as by breathing deeply and paying attention to the process. Most of the negative thoughts that arise concern the past or future; returning to the present is a way of conquering them and the foundation of mindfulness practice.
Establish a good physiological foundation
Maintaining good physical health is conducive to the mental clarity of peak state. If you’re feeling tired, unfit or unwell, it’s going to make hitting peak state a whole lot harder.
You don’t have to be running ultramarathons or deadlifting 1,000 lbs but ensure you get the fundamentals right. In essence that’s four things: nutrition, sleep, exercise and meditation. Or another way of putting it: eat well, sleep well, move well and meditate well.
Use the optimal combo for social skills emotions
Certain social skills emotions precede reaching and maintaining peak state:
Optimal combo for social skills emotions = High Confidence + Enthusiasm
When in doubt, push your mental state towards higher confidence and enthusiasm.
If you have a high level of both, it’s very difficult not to reach a peak positive state. Our thoughts and emotions align to make us come alive in social interactions.
You can use specific tips for amplifying confidence and enthusiasm. But some of the tips are more applicable before you find yourself in a social situation so here are some techniques you can use to pump up your state during an outing:
-> Listen to feel good music
Listening to your favourite songs or any music that’s stimulating and makes you feel good will evoke positive associations elevating your mood. Absorb yourself in the music and let any feelings of self-consciousness go, even if this means you sing or dance along.
Make sure you’re listening to relatively energetic and stimulating music, a crooning ballad might make you feel fuzzy but it won’t necessarily elicit a lively state conducive to socialising.
-> Energetic and fast body movements
Often the best way to get out of your head is to focus on your body. Lively movements force you out of your headspace via noticeable actions of the body.
Dancing is one obvious activity that achieves this purpose. You can also do quick gymnastic motions such as high kicks, star jumps or press-ups. If you’re worried about doing these in front of other people, don’t be — the whole point of these exercises and peak state is to become socially free. You’ll soon realise most people don’t care and may even start a conversation with you after seeing you do them.
-> Share positivity and be grateful
If there’s one underlying theme to take away from this series on managing emotions, it’s that positive emotions are a choice — no matter the external scenario, we and not anything else control our thoughts.
Regardless of the attitudes of others, there’s always something to be grateful for, something positive to share. You can’t help but be confident and enthusiastic if you’re imbuing positive emotions to others, who doesn’t want that? So when socialising: have your main aim be to induce positive emotions with others. This makes you more outcome independent and people will tend to respond to you better.
Social skills emotions: additional factors
You may be wondering at this point, can peak state ever be too excessive when socialising?
In actuality, overweighting positive emotions even up to the extent you’re borderline unrealistic tends to benefit you in social situations. This is due to the positive feedback loop mentioned above: people want to be around positive individuals. If they see you as that person, they’ll reciprocate and create a virtuous cycle that elevates your own mood.
Remember, social skills emotions and peak state are more within your control than society acknowledges. However, we can’t always be in peak state, at times we won’t be in the zone and that’s normal. If despite following the process there are periods you can’t reach peak state, don’t fret, default to inducing positive emotions and accept whatever state you’re in without holding a grasping mentality that you “need” a particular state. By chasing peak state, you’re reducing the chance you’ll reach it — better to return to the present moment, let expectations go and build any positive emotions.
And more importantly, don’t let your mind trick you into thinking you can’t socialise if not in peak state. This is ego protection at work trying to blindside you into not taking action when you absolutely can.
Summary – Social skills emotions
Emotions form the basis of our social skills. Well harnessed social skills emotions are the key to igniting our interactions with others and making a lasting impact. When we get our social skills emotions right, our body language, voice tonality and words align with ease.
The highest state we can embody when socialising is peak state, a feeling of being in the zone with effortless social clarity. Managing our social skills emotions to hit peak state will have people we’re engaging with respond to us better and in turn, create a win-win dynamic for everyone.
This concludes our series on managing emotions. We’ve covered a huge swath of knowledge: from emotions relating to productivity through to social skills emotions and everything between. If you enjoyed this series and found it helpful, send me a message as I’d love to hear what you think. Also, subscribe to Abroad Lifestyles for more leading content in digital nomadism and personal development overseas.
