This is the second in a three part series on managing emotions. This post outlines specific advice on harnessing or alleviating different types of emotions. The first part of the series is an overview on the art of managing emotions. The third part examines the roles emotions have on our social skills.
As detailed in the first part of our series, emotions affect every aspect of our lives. And as we know, it’s essential we manage our emotions rather than suppress them.
We learned the Perspective Shift exercise to orient our overall emotional state towards desired goals or changes we have in mind. But what about managing particular types of emotions? What specific tips about emotions can we use to amplify positive ones and remove negative ones?
First, just how many emotions are there? Search online or ask those you know and you’ll get a variety of different answers ranging anywhere from a tiny handful to a few hundred.
Yet in essence, there are only a dozen or so emotions. The truth is a lot of peripheral emotions are actually variations of higher order ones. Knowing how to manage these core ones will allow us to master the overall range of our emotional state which is a more effective strategy than trying to memorise techniques for dozens of emotions when most have crossover with the core ones anyway.
Let’s examine tips about emotions with specific pointers for overcoming the negative ones and building the positive ones.
Negative emotions (and how to overcome them)
Sadness
Sadness is the feeling of being unhappy, particularly when something bad has occurred which is usually the result of something being worser than your expectations.
Tips on overcoming
-> Practice gratitude
Write down a list of 9 things you are grateful for at the end of the day. Sadness exists in the past and gratitude journalling is a powerful tool to remind us of the richness of life and the fortune we have of being alive in the present moment.
-> “Not a big deal because…”
Reframe the situation by thinking of multiple reasons why something that went wrong isn’t a big deal. It might not seem like it in the heat of the moment but you can almost always think of something and once you do, it’ll take the emotional sting out of the situation and ground you with a more equanimous perspective.
-> Perspective Shift exercise
If experiencing an intense sadness that depletes mental positivity such that you struggle to function:
-> Leverage Small Simple Steps
Get started with a list of easy microtasks with next to no friction to get going. This could be as simple as making your bed, brushing your teeth or doing your laundry. Once you start ticking these straightforward tasks off, you’ll gain a sense of achievement, no matter how small and you’ll have motivation to do other things. The key is to make the microtasks explicit mini goals so that you feel the satisfaction from completing them; writing them down helps with this.
Frustration
Frustration is an increased perception of difficulty in achieving something due to a perceived unnecessary obstacle.
Tip on overcoming
-> Modified Perspective Shift exercise
In the original Perspective Shift exercise, you want to find something that is good and true such that the significance makes you feel a perspectival and emotional shift. For handling frustration, consider how something is good and necessary such that the pursuit of your actions is undoubtedly worthwhile. For example, you can’t get a muscular physique without the exertion of working out. Even if the pain, intensity and duration of training frustrate you at times, they’re necessary on the path to a better body.
Stress
Stress is the emotional pressure of having a task to do at a certain level within a certain timeframe that you’re not meeting.
Tips on overcoming
-> Change the timeframe for your target
This isn’t always possible but question whether you really need to do the task by the current deadline or if you can change it.
-> “Not a big deal because…”
-> Focus on wider existence (meta-thoughts)
A common theme throughout these tips about emotions is reframing and this one is no different. Reflecting on meta-thoughts means taking a pause to detach yourself from the monkey mind tunnel vision of the stressful moment and contemplate the significance of your wider existence in the universe which will inadvertently make whatever you were stressing about insignificant by comparison. This could mean journalling your life philosophy, integrating spiritual concepts or reminding yourself of the precious time left we have on Earth (Memento Mori). Do whatever works for you.
Guilt
Guilt is a feeling of worry or unhappiness that you have done wrong.
Tip on overcoming
-> Write a list of things that you’ve done that have helped people
This will balance your mindset by not dwelling on negativity and remind you that you have a positive effect on others as well.
Boredom
Boredom is being tired and unhappy from lacking interest or having nothing to do.
Tips on overcoming
-> There’s always something to be interested in — find it
The world is an awe-inspiring and captivating place. Everything in it captivates somebody somewhere. Be curious. If they can be interested in it, so can you. Search for a relevant feature you can be interested in and see where it leads you.
-> ‘Fire yourself’ for saying something is impossible
Prominent physicist and science communicator Michio Kaku once said “What we usually consider as impossible are simply engineering problems… there’s no law of physics preventing them.” Be less adverse and inspired by the possibilities of whatever you’re engaging in.
Awkwardness
Awkwardness is the state of feeling embarrassed or tense over a difficult situation.
Tips on overcoming
-> “Not a big deal because…”
-> Bodily sensation mindfulness
Awkwardness manifests itself as a tension in not only the mind but the body too. When you feel awkward, there’ll be a sensation of tension somewhere specific in your body. For some people it’s a pit in their stomach, for others it’s a sinking feeling in the heart, some individuals even have a burning sensation in their cheeks.
Whatever it is for you, dissociate the bodily sensation feeling from your vitriolic mind. Bring your attention to your breathing and allow yourself to sit with the sensation. When you sit with the sensation for a few moments and realise that it’s just that, a sensation, the tension will start to disappear and no longer have such a strong hold on you. You’ll realise it’s just a harmless reaction in your body.
General meditation and mindfulness practices on a consistent basis train you in this as well.
-> “Fourth-wall” the tension
“Fourth-walling” the tension means calling out the tense situation directly with whoever is present. What tends to happen after this is that there’s nothing to be tense about since it no longer exists implicitly. Awkwardness is unique in that it can be charged with positivity quite quickly once the initial tension is overcome so showing social calibration in an awkward situation can turn it from a negative to a positive fast.
Envy
Envy is the feeling of resenting what another person has such that you wish that you had it too or that they lack it.
Tips on overcoming
-> Practice gratitude
-> Be stoical
Stoicism is a school of thought developed in Ancient Greece that advocates self-control in the face of destructive emotions. Develop an internal locus of control so that you control the controllables in your life (your thoughts, actions and behaviours) and not focus on things outside of your control such as what others have that make you envious.
Fight-or-flight emotions
Fight-or-flight emotions accompany the physiological response (also known as the ‘acute stress response’) to immediate harm or danger. The most common emotions we experience in such a response are fear, anger or nervousness.
The fight-or-flight response evolved in animals and thus pre-modern humans to increase their rate of survival when threatened. However, fight-or-flight emotions are less useful today. Some of the fight-or-flight emotions were programmed to be experienced at high intensity at relatively infrequent occasions such as life threatening scenarios. But with the development of modern society and the relative stability it brings, these same emotional responses are less useful in our day and age. As a result, we’d do well to manage them using the tips about emotions that follow.
Anger
Anger is a strong uncomfortable and non-cooperative response to a perceived provocation, hurt or threat.
Tips on overcoming
-> “Not a big deal because…”
-> Bodily sensation mindfulness
-> Antifragile mindset
I coined this tip after the term ‘Antifragility’ by the author Nassim Nicholas Taleb. Antifragility is the ability of a system to not only remain robust after stress, shock or volatility but to actually thrive and improve. Having an antifragile mindset means turning stressful situations that challenge you into positives.
This is similar to Amor Fati or “love of fate”, the notion that all things have occurred for a reason and since it is what it is now, we can’t change the past but accept it has happened and make the best out of it.
In the case of the Antifragile mindset, we accept what has happened will make us stronger. Something has made you angry? No problem, consider it a chance to train your mind to not succumb to rage that you otherwise wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t encountered the stressor. Consider it a chance to fuel you towards proactive change than had you not been provoked. Consider it a chance to learn for the future.
Once you train this habit, you’ll strengthen your mind to cope with adversity.
Fear
Fear is painful agitation in the presence or anticipation of danger.
Tips on overcoming
-> Perspective Shift exercise
-> “Not a big deal because…”
-> Focus on wider existence (meta-thoughts)
-> Feel the fear and take action anyway
Growth comes from stepping outside of our comfort zone. Fear is a signal indicating an opportunity to grow beyond our comfort levels. As the tennis legend Billie Jean King says “Pressure is a privilege”.
When you feel fear stifling your ability to take action, instead be grateful as an opportunity has arisen. You can even personify the fear as a separate entity from you and tell it that you don’t care what it’s trying to make you feel, you’re taking action anyway (literally talk out loud if it helps), then do so.
Nervousness
Nervousness (including anxiety and worry) is focusing your attention on the future with a perception of negativity if it happens.
Tips on overcoming
-> Remain focused on the present moment
As nervousness is a ‘future-oriented’ state of mind, training your mind to snap back to the present alleviates feelings of anxiety. Practices that help you focus on the present moment include meditation and the act of exercising mindfulness at random points in the day.
-> Bodily sensation mindfulness
-> Perspective Shift exercise
-> “Not a big deal because…”
If experiencing high anxiety:
-> Three Step Process for Overcoming High Anxiety
1. Ask yourself: “Is the thing I’m anxious about really likely & terrible?”
2. If yes and there’s a reasonable concern, would you be able to plan then enact that plan?
3. If the above two are true and you need to act fast, create individual plans for how you’d deal with the emotions you’d feel.
After you’ve implemented all these tips, anything further worrying is unnecessary.
Most negative emotions are temporary and manageable and the tips about emotions provided here are to help us overcome them even faster. But of course if you experience any of the above negative emotions at a severe, compounded or chronic level, seek professional help from a medical practitioner.
Positive emotions (and how to build them)
Calmness
Calmness is the state of being peaceful and quiet with no worries. Calmness is a buffer against all the fight or flight emotions so amplifying these is beneficial once the negative emotions have been mitigated.
Tips on building
-> Meditation and mindfulness
-> Sounds of nature
Listening to sounds of nature such as stream sounds has been proven to induce a sense of calm. This can be from first hand experience in a natural setting or from a device that plays the sounds.
Enthusiasm
Enthusiasm is an intense and eager interest in a particular subject or activity and a willingness to be involved. Enthusiasm is essentially a state of three peripheral emotions combined: curiosity, motivation & fun towards a target. Therefore building each of the three will inevitably build enthusiasm.
Tips on building
For curiosity:
-> As with coping against boredom – there’s always something to be interested in, find it.
For motivation:
-> Tilt the scales into why doing the task is good vs not doing it (for example with the Perspective Shift exercise).
For fun:
-> Enjoy seeking new information by targeting your purpose at the underlying fun aspects.
Happiness
Happiness is the feeling of pleasure. It’s often tied with contentment which accentuates the feeling of satisfaction more than pleasure and correlates more with lasting joy.
Tips on building
-> Enhance your sensory pleasure
This tip is more Epicurean. Do activities that positively stimulate one or more of your senses. Listen to your favourite feel good music. Eat delicious food. Watch a funny movie. These will elevate your mood in the short term.
Be aware that sustained happiness requires more than sensory pleasure and this tip focuses more on short-term spikes. You also want to be careful not to overindulge in any sensory pleasure such that the ‘high’ turns detrimental, for example eating rich food every day which has a drawback on your health.
-> Remain focused on the present moment
-> Practice gratitude
Confidence (not an emotion but a special mention)
In essence, confidence is your emotions measuring certainty (analogous to a percentage) in your own abilities or trust in others. It’s not an emotion in and of itself but as a functioning state predicated on emotions, in a series on tips about emotions advice on confidence has merit.
Tips on building
-> If you have an excuse for not taking action towards something, assess your emotions about the excuse until the next level
If your excuse is based on a negative emotion (fear, nervousness, guilt etc.), use the tips about emotions shown to overcome them and keep going for all excuses/emotions until there’s nothing holding you back.
-> Confidence Exercise (written)
1. Work out what you think of existence on a metaphysical level (see the ‘Focus on wider existence’ tip above)
2. Decide what your values and principles are
3. Tie your state and emotions to your values and principles no matter what external noise you encounter. When you notice yourself doing the opposite, push back at least a bit to train the habit until you are consistent in adhering to your values and principles.
Summary – Tips about emotions
This post has shown various tips about emotions we can use to manage our emotional state in day-to-day life and thus gain better control of our minds. There are around a dozen core emotions both positive and negative. Using tips about emotions for these is the most effective strategy to manage our emotional state rather than trying to deal with all peripheral emotions which can lead to overwhelm.
Like this post? The next and final post in this series on managing emotions looks at the role of emotions on social skills (hint: it’s the most important thing for socialising) and details how we can harness our emotions to elevate our social lives. Subscribe to Abroad Lifestyles for free for more leading content.
